Ethereum

Depression Files

Collection

File Cabinet

Description

My depression has a file cabinet deep inside the corner of my mind. In it, it stores all the negative comments, remarks, jokes, and rumors that have ever been said about or to me in my whole life. My depression goes to this cabinet when I am tired, or lonely, or hungry. When I am alone for any length of time the cabinet gets opened and my depression starts reading the files to me to remind me that I will never be enough, people don't care if I am here or not, I am fat, I didn't graduate high school, I didn't get a degree when I attended college, my marriages failed because I am not worth loving, etc. here's an example... (Remember when you started work and you smiled and said good morning to the girl passing out the check stubs?)You won't let me forget that. (Remember how she went and told the guys you work with "that Eddie guy is kinda creepy.") Yes I remember. (She knew you weren't worth knowing without even talking to you. Remember how the guys made fun of you for it?)Yes. I remember. (Remember how you cried at work when nobody was around because you are weak and pathetic and she is right about not needing to get to know you?) Yeah I fuckin remember! (You might as well quit. Nobody likes you here.) Well Malachi loves me. (Oh? Malachi huh? He only loves you because you buy him things. He would rather live with his mom and brother if he had a choice.) But I love him and I want to give him a good life. He is safer with me. (He is scared of you. Remember how you yell and make him cry? I bet his mother doesn't do that.)....this can go on for hours or days. In the very bottom drawer in the very back of the files is a suicide note. That's the one my depression likes to get to the most. My depression wants me to die. When you see my posts about working out, walking really far, doing longer ab exercises, setting personal goals for time on the elliptical, etc, know that I am trying to out exercise my depression. I am walking to get away from the negative self talk. I am making my muscles ache so that I can distract myself from the thoughts going on inside my head. It is difficult to live with a disease that nobody else can see. I smile to hide the sadness from my depression. I help others to try to make sure that they don't feel the same way I do everyday. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. I do not want sympathy or pity. I want love and understanding. If there are any negative comments, my depression thanks you and will add them to the filing cabinet. -Eddie