Description
My stigma; mental disorder, non-traditional jobs, unwillingness to be a cog in the machine, my body image, and other forms of stigma, be it of the self, or external invalidation-
I dont let this stop me any more. I used to, growing up into my early twenties- the world handed me a plate full of life and said "have at it"- and so i did.
Though times have been difficult and tumultuous, ive continued on my path in life, willing to see where the next round of the bend takes me- be it good or bad.
This isnt to say i dont find life difficult- some days i wake up in an immovable state, finding it impossible, or near it, to rise in the morning and begin my day- at times, thats can be the hardest part; the bed is comforting, safe, somewhere i lay every night and rest-
But even then, i still trek forward. i do it because i know i have a place in the world, to make it better, in ways i do not fully understand- and im okay with that- thats part of why i do what i do, by making art, working in the metaverse, and seeing to it that i find use in every moment i have, because its all a gift-
A gift to experience what is and isnt, what will and was, and what can be, so i have learned not to take it for granted, to the best of my abilities. For when i do, and realize i have taken it as such, i become humbled, as though to wake up from a sort of dream, say to myself "i can be better", and do just so-
I am not perfect by any means- i harbor my demons, as any person does- i may not be the worst of the world, but i am neither the best, though some choose to believe me so. That which is unsaid weighs heavy on my conscience, i suppose that is a form of self-stigma- i realize my flaws, i live with them daily, and even that, i use to propel me forward, keeping pace with that which haunts me instead of letting it consume me in shadowy depths.
That said, that is the deeper meaning within this painting- in a sense, the stigmata mentioned in the name of this work are metaphorical- i crucify myself within my thoughts, rather than physically- and so, the perceived self is oft wrought with inattentive thoughts, distracting me from the daily flow of life.